A recurring theme amongst Good Company members is what to do when your husband or wife time travels and asks for their mum (who died 40 years ago), puts on their suit to go to work (even though they retired 20 years ago), feels they need to pick up the kids (now in their 40’s or older) from school or wants to go (to their childhood) home.
This came up in a masterclass with TGCP dementia specialist Sue Hinds, who gave us advice on how to manage these situations without outright lying.
This topic has come up a lot and many members have lied saying “your mum has just popped out to the shops” or “she’ll be home soon”, others have corrected with the harsh reality check of ‘Your Mum is dead”.
This can be incredibly distressing as they may experience the response as new, painful information each time its given or it may lead to more confusion thinking their Mum will be coming back home.
For carers, it can be upsetting if your commitment to each other has always been based on truth and honesty and it can also develop mistrust if the person you are supporting later recalls what you had said during a moment of lucidity and time travel back to the here and now.
Sue shared with us VERA which can be used to provide comfort and reassurance, gently redirecting a person without confrontation when our perception of reality may be at odds with theirs. It’s a method which can be used without fully entering the persons reality and using non–truths, which are often described as ethical lying, therapeutic lies and untruths. Ethical lying provides dilemmas and link with other ethical dilemmas for example people having tracking devices. More on that later…
VERA is not the lady on TV, but a simple technique which was originally designed to help student nurses communicate better with people with dementia.
The key is to do each step and allow time for the person to respond - you may find they adjust their reality on their own as they are offered time to respond and chat.
Validation
Validate the emotion behind their words by mirroring the words back. It is important to focus on the feeling and not argue about the fact.
"I want to go home"
Response: “You would like to go home? You don’t want to be here anymore? Tell me a little bit more about home.”
By doing this the person knows they are being listened to and it gives you clues as to what point in their life they have time travelled to. It can then help with the next step in this approach.
Emotion
This allows you to build on the foundation you created in validation. Pay attention to the emotional content of what the person is saying and empathise with their feelings.
It’s a subtle, compassionate way to start to redirect their thoughts without denying their feelings.
Reassurance
Provide comforting responses that ease the distress. Reassurance is important and “Don’t worry” Calm down” are not usually very helpful. How do you feel if somebody says this to you? The person requires reassurance, not an instruction to calm down or to stop worrying. We need to reduce anxiety by offering something, but without creating unnecessary confusion.
Activity
Offer a sense of occupation and purpose that may divert the person’s train of thought.
Take practical steps to prevent distress and support their emotional needs. Here are some ideas:
Keep familiar and comforting items nearby—photo albums, favourite music, or a familiar blanket can help ease confusion.
Maintain a structured routine to provide a sense of stability and security.
If the person frequently asks about someone who has passed away, have a collection of stories or positive memories to share about that person.
Redirect attention with an engaging activity, like looking through old pictures or making a cup of tea together.
Offer physical comfort where appropriate—holding hands, a reassuring touch, or a hug.
Top Tips
Have standard stock answers up your sleeve so you are not caught off guard when certain questions arise.
Focus on their emotions rather than the factual accuracy of their statements.
Approach each interaction with patience, kindness, and reassurance.
Make sure you take enough breaks so you have the reserves to 'let it go' and go with the flow.
Carer Crib Sheet
Sue has written us a little crib sheet to print out as a reminder ❤️
If you are interested in joining our next dementia carer training or in joining one of our support groups, call 07472 564519 or email hello@thegoodcompanypeople.org.
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